Why Zambia? Well, have you ever felt called somewhere? I never knew what that felt like until I visited Zambia in 2012. To understand this, you first have to understand something about me: I'm a person with a tendency to fall rapidly and intensely in love with countries. When I was 5, I dreamed about Italy. When I was 7, I wanted to be Chinese. When I was 10, I was fiercely proud of Mother Russia and wanted to live there for the rest of my life. When I was 12, Scotland was the "Land o' my heart forever". When I was 15, I was bringing all kinds of Japanese culture into my life--especially my cooking. Just a few months ago (2015), I happened to go through the airport in Austria and was so dazzled by it that I wanted find out how to become more like an Austrian. And Israel! I adore Israel because they're God's most precious people, and because Israel's peace and security was so important to Joab. Oh, and then there's America. I used to take it for granted, but over time (and with the influence of the Duffs and Rush Limbaugh), my appreciation for the United States has increased into a deep love and pride for the place I was born and everything about its culture and heritage. I'm proud to be a Daughter of the Revolution (I had ancestors who fought in that war), and the United States will always hold a very special place in my heart.
But I'll tell you a secret: I never feel quite as "at-home" as when I'm in Zambia. Maybe that sounds strange because I grew up in America. I mean, my little, Swedish village in Nebraska is home: it's sweet and familiar, and I'd even say I would be content to settle there for the rest of my life. Gosh, though I've known about Zambia for as long as I can remember (my family sponsors a pastor there), I never thought anything of it (or of Africa in general) until I went there in 2012.
And yet there's something even more homelike about Zambia--even more special. When I'm there, I seem to open up. I suppose the phrase is, "to come out of one's shell". For those of you who have experienced first-hand my awkward hesitancy, you might be surprised to see what I'm like around my Zambian friends. My inner restrictions don't seem to apply there. I'm comfortable and at ease.
It's the people, really. I feel completely myself when I'm around a Banda, or a Mushamo, or a Mwamba. I'll never forget my first missions trip to Zambia. As we departed from the Lusaka airport, I was so sad. "That's it?" I kept thinking, "Just two weeks, and will really nothing come of it?" After we returned to the United States, all I wanted was to be back in Zambia. It was all I could think of. We had a family reunion, and a camping trip, and then I went to college, and all the while I was listening to bad recordings of singing Zambians on my dumb-phone (didn't have a smartphone yet) and looking at my photos and videos from the trip over and over again.
It was an entirely different animal from my former country obsessions. I felt displaced back in America, and everything reminded me of Zambia. In that time, I began to think about my Zambian friends: "These are the people I want to dedicate my life to." It was a little while longer before I began to think of it all as a calling from God--or before I articulated to myself an idea of actually living there or making my home there. I think that came first when we watched a series of videos in my college about making disciples in Christ. A phrase came into my mind at that time: "Make disciples in Zambia." Every time I thought of that phrase, such an intense fire and longing sprung up in my throat that I hardly knew what to do with it.
For those of you who see the world through much more logical and concrete glasses, this might seem ridiculously fluffy to you, but I've learned to trust my intuitions. I believe that God speaks to us all in different ways, depending on our personalities. After all, He created our personalities. To a logical person, then, He'll speak logically through facts and empirical evidence, and to an intuitive person, He'll speak intuitively through dreams and emotions. Of course, neither a conclusion reached by deduction nor a conclusion reached by intuition can be 100% certain. In the end, the only thing that's certain is what God tells us in His Word, the Bible. But for now I'm going believe that God is calling me to Zambia, and I'm choosing to act on that intuition.
In time, the intensity of my emotions about Zambia lessened somewhat--as feelings are wont to do. Yet the desire and calling to return there remained. At college, in the hallway to my classroom, there was a huge map of the world on the wall, and every time I passed it, I would touch Zambia and pray, "God bless Zambia." I still have this habit in my home church, where we have a Zambian flag in the hall. The next spring, in 2013, I managed to tag on to another missions trip to Zambia. In the spring of 2014, I took my longest trip there, which was four weeks, with two weeks doing missions work and two weeks staying with Zambian friends in their homes. The main goal of the 2014 trip was to find out whether or not I actually did want to live in Zambia--if it was something I could see myself doing. Was I still being called there? The decision I came to was "Yes".
Coming to Zambia still felt just as much like coming home as the first time I went there.
As I write this, I'm preparing for my longest trip to Zambia yet: six months, renting a home, and perhaps living with a sister of one of my dearest friends there. The purpose of this trip is to get a feel for what it's really like to live as a Zambian, to refine my vision for being there, and to begin to take steps toward my dream of eventually starting an orphanage there. I'm not bringing much money--just enough to live on. As a result, my posts here may be few and far between, but I'll try to keep you updated. Internet is expensive in Zambia.
Many of you who read this could be my friends from other places besides Zambia--the friends and family I'm leaving behind to dedicate myself to that country. If you're one of those people, I have a personal message for you: I'm sorry. I really am. While having friends in many different places is a blessing, it also causes a conflict within me. No matter how much I wish I could, I can't dedicate myself to all my friends at once. I have to choose who to really focus on, and I've chosen the people of Zambia. I don't want to split my attentions or spread myself too thin, because I won't get anything accomplished that way. I'm afraid I'll mostly be withdrawing from your lives now. There may even come a time when I don't want to waste money on Internet because I'll be trying to provide basic needs to starving orphans. I have a dream and a purpose and a ministry for the Gospel in Zambia. Maybe God has a completely different plan for my life than I think, but for now, I truly feel called there.
Now, I don't want to be presumptuous, but I'm also aware that some of you may have a hard time accepting that I'm leaving. If that's you, or if you're simply sad about it, I want to share something else with you. In my home church, we once had a particular, wonderful pastor who I looked up to almost more than anyone else I knew. His preaching was always entirely Gospel-centered, and his counsel was encouraging and glorifying to God. Then, one day, God called him to become a pastor in a different church. I heard about this very suddenly in an email, while I was on a college trip to Italy, and I also heard that he would be leaving before I got back. I was stunned, and sad, and I even felt betrayed. "Doesn't he know that we need him?" I thought. And yet I knew that this pastor would never do anything unless he truly believed God was calling him to it. I went to the chapel to cry (for we were staying in a former monastery with a lovely chapel), and through my tears, God gave me this song:
"You know
That the only thing I've ever had is You, Lord
And the Gospel that You gave has filled my heart, Lord
You know my heart, Lord
Is full of You
You call
All the people who You've saved to share Your Gospel
And I know that You are sovereign over all, so
I know Your servants
Must follow You
Chorus:
So if Jesus is everything
And the Gospel is everything
Then I know You must be everything to me
As Your servants follow every call
And You scatter them around the world
Your Gospel is proclaimed
And I see that Christ is all I ever had
Your love
Is the greatest mystery that could be thought of
And Your grace is more than all the world could dream of
You freely give love
To those You call
Who knew?
That the Author of the Universe had thought to
Give up everything He ever had a right to
He gave his life through
His perfect love
(Chorus x2)"
It was a song of acceptance. In this life, we were never meant to invest everything in our relationships with other people, but rather in a relationship with Jesus. That was the message my pastor preached, and I knew that to act otherwise would mean I hadn't really been listening, heheh. He had been called to another place, and because of that, the Gospel would be spread even further.
Although it was still a long time before I was able to fully accept my pastor's departure, what really made me okay with it--and even joyful about it, in the end--was that God was fulfilling a purpose in him. If you can, and if you believe, I want you think of my departure in the same way. God has a purpose to fulfill in my life, and besides, if you know Jesus, we'll have forever in Heaven to be together. Life is all full of meeting and parting, but to lamely quote "Pokemon Diamond and Pearl", "Whenever one life touches another life, something will be born." In other words, every meeting is meaningful, even though a parting will also surely come.
So anyway, I love y'all, and God bless you, but I'm now moving forward to Zambia! ^0^/
No comments:
Post a Comment